“im lonely, oh so lonely…” plays in the background. must not judge this loneliness, judging causes it not to resonate properly.
Only choice is to move with that feeling and accept it. maybe understand it, so it ceases (so more pain comes). Life has been a succession of drinking richer wine. But like a box of chocolates, you never know what your going to get.
What was my work?
- take laxative for surgery
- apply for lottery for pharon
- apply for lawyer
- finish laundry and house and go shopping
- Remember to plan birthday party after surgery
Connection feels great, then it ends, and I must move forward full speed as soon as the pain signals itself to me, full time work mode. Work is the only thing that will solve the debt/sin equation. Work requires movement. Movement requires acceptance of pain/loneliness. I’m the Monad. And I’m the son. Monad = 1 = individual. Hold that responsibility as dear and put on the clothes of a perfect man.
What was the effect of deuce? I was with her. She paid me a sad medicine. I heard her voice say to him, lets go in the shower. Its a taste of my own medicine, she says.
This started with remembrance of the child we didn’t have. Will she have it with him? will the child be mine if its his child? why does it bother me objectifying the child as mine. Why must the child be mine and why is infidelity such as huge topic with me? Because I am insecure, ashamed, and hurt, and rendered damaged, albeit healing.
Should this remain public?
I feel the need to go earlier into childhood and learn the lessons I didn’t learn, and at the same time juxtapose and balance that with some sense of accuracy and precision to select and follow through with tasks
Why is my lonliness arousing? So many times I have comforted myself in orgasm, an unhealthy coping mechanism. Now the need to be celibate ever increases. Escape from the dance of movements of troubling emotions.
The interplay between myself and Pharon with deuce has an interesting affect, his skin talks to me, and when it speaks, it speaks to me, but his own mind comprehends him speaking of another. Both tangents are true; again the need to allow to not cause blockage in the resonance of feelings I feel, the non-judgemental approach to the situation.
This is important, this sacrament and recommended to continue. Much is learned from the process, but is the process learned much from because of the suffering I went through alone? Probably.
Friends:
Mel Dawn
Danny
Pharon
Justin
Sean
John
Ex-friend:
Charles =/= he is infatuated with me and I feel I cannot reciprocate and my desire for friendship would be problematic because of his “feelings” for me. But I question myself arent all friendships part infatuation? Is it because he speaks his that I turn left? Is it not my word that is canceled by his inability to understand what I mean a foolish requirment of me to do so? Why must I be the one? Why must my word become curropt? Why wont I open his texts?
Why am I so anti privacy? Why must I speak openly of everything? I wish to be fully known as God. But this warrants more investigation and discovery. I degrees.
Why me? Because I put on the shield of a perfect man. I spoke too soon, what is more sacred, and I am ignorant of.
Remember the need to force myself to be heard. Why force anything? and Yet when I rap in a song with a melody, I must hold strength, and this feeling is similar in a very large degree.
Debt retaliates with a need to make money as priority for the tasks I have. Sin is worse. The foundation must finally be laid.